Haven’t had my usual sesh before bed so I’m up at 2am wondering when I was last genuinely happy.. Who was I and why can’t I get back to that person.. I feel like I get judged a lot.. Who I am.. How I act, why I act the way I do.. And the truth of the matter is that if you knew what I had been through, what I have seen, only then would you understand…. I have lost a lot of people in my life over the last 5 or so years.. I feel like the last time I was happy and my life was perfect was back in 2010.. 4 yrs ago.. I had all I needed.. My family.. But 2004.. That was the end of my perfect world.. in 2006 I was 14 and met and fell in love with one of the nastiest human beings ever created.. Never have I ever felt so low, so little, so nothing. Almost 10yrs later and I am still trying to get over all he has put me through.. He was the start of all my problems.. He was my first everything.. My first kiss, my first love, my first EVERYTHING. But to him I was nothing more than a useless little puppy who he could treat like shit whenever he wanted and would have me running right back to him when he allowed. I ran back.. Every. Single. Time. I have never let myself be so pathetic with anyone else.. He was just my kryptonite.. I just could not move on.. My teenage years were ruined because of him. All the heartache and pain.. All the arguing with my family.. Was not worth how I feel now. Now I don’t know how to let people in. Not just in my love life but in my whole life.. No one knows the real me.. People in my life know different sides but no one knows deep down inside my soul.. No one knows how much I went through with him.. How I felt going through all of the shit with him.. No one knows I started cutting at 14.. No ones sees the scars or my arms.. Sometimes I don’t even see them.. No one knows how I felt when I lost one of my cousins and best friends to suicide. No one knows how much my heart broke when my koro passed away.. And no one knows how much I am suffering now that my nan, the true love of my life is gone.. My soul feels black, empty, nothing without her here.. I don’t know how to be happy.. I can’t find happiness like I did after my koro passed.. My life feels like nothing anymore.. I don’t know what will help me get out of this dark space.. I want to be happy.. I’m just not sure how.. Maybe I’m just rushing myself. It’s been a year and 3 weeks.. I feel like I haven’t moved on at all.. I just wish I had someone to talk to.. Someone who relates to me.. Not from similar situations but someone who knows of the emotional and psychological struggle of getting back to who you once were.. The better you.. I am so unhappy.. My brother and parents keep me going I don’t know what I would do without them.. I just want someone who understands. I just need a sign.. I need some peace. I just wish this was all a dream and when I wake up from my sleep I’ll wake up back at her house smelling her sunday morning breakfast cooking. . Damn I miss the family brunches around the table with her.. They were the best.. Even the cleaning up I miss.. I miss her in evey single way I have no idea how to heal my broken heart.